Until then, do you.

Since we have surpassed the first month of 2020, it has given me a chance to foresee what is to come of this year and to also reflect on 2019. For me, moving on from last year was bitter sweet. 2019 was truly a rollercoaster, from going through my highest high's and some of my lowest low's.

Disclaimer, neggy (negative) vibes are forbidden around here, this is merely a reflection on my previous year. Focusing on certain situations that I went through and the lessons that I have learnt from them.

In 2019, I was in my final year studying international journalism in Liverpool whilst also working what was a full-time job as a shift manager for a One Stop store. I was so focused on graduating and making money! At this point, I had built up a routine of work, university, library and straight home. Ofcourse, the night's out and the henjoyment was included in between. You see, I've always been someone who believes in being able to have it all as long as you set your mind to it.

In that same year, I was hitting three years with my fella at the time. Unfortunately, many truths came to light towards the end of the last month or so of University where I found out of the many accounts where he had been dishonest and unfaithful.

Girl's and boy's, I was hella love blind. I can't even lie to you all and say that I didn't believe that he was going to be a part of my future. Rah, I was so wrong.

Here's the thing, whilst I was so busy building on myself by going to University, working full-time and also building on a potential future based on that relationship, he had already wandered and grew away from who I knew him to be. The devastating part was that I never found out through him. Instead, I found out from complete strangers at the time. Just one Instagram message and a phone call had changed my foreseeable future with him.

Cheating never really made sense to me, if you aren't ready to commit and give your all to just one person, just be single. That way, you can do anything and everything that you want without having to lie or build up a facade just to make someone 'happy'. We already live in a generation where we have options, EVERY GAH DAMN WHERE. Only you can be your own judge and decide whether you really are ready to be loyal and love wholeheartedly or just live your best life and do what you want!

I never really reflected on how I handled the situation until recently. It took a lot of making the typical mistakes and eventually realising that what I had with him was no longer what I wanted or deserved. I am very independent and when I go through things I prefer to see it through alone. This time I knew that I needed some support because I never really thought about being placed in such a situation.

One thing I didn't do was blame myself. Everyone around me knew how much I give my all, especially if I love and care for someone. It was never questionable. If my loyalty lies with you, nothing can tamper with it, except the man himself.

I vowed to stay honest and true throughout my relationship, however, I just didn't get the same back. That was my longest relationship so far and the hardest part was trying to conquer my routine without the typical addition of him. Followed by then telling my parents, who live 5,000 miles away about why it no longer could be.

I am just so thankful that despite not having my family around that I had the continuous comfort and support of my friends and that was what kept me going. My routine grew stronger, I was going to work, university and the library consecutively throughout my final months of university. I knew to prioritise why I was in Liverpool to begin with.

My final project and dissertation got handed in and graduation came about faster than I could ever imagine. My family flew out just a few days before and for the first time in the three years that I had lived in Liverpool, my family was finally able to see where I had been living. That was the first time that I had ever had them see my student accommodation, followed by my University buildings. It was such a surreal moment which came about way too fast.Both my mum and dad had never hugged me as much as they did when they arrived and that moment was when I knew how proud they were of me.

Being an expatriate comes with so many challenges. I could never just hop on a train and see my family whenever I missed them, instead I had no option but to either call or video call them. Thankfully, my parents had already prepared me for this moment a very long time ago. Independency was pushed onto me from such a young age, especially from being the eldest girl in my family. I really got threw into the deep end. Big up mumzy and popsy!

I have a beautiful relationship with my parents and really count myself blessed. I get to be as honest as I need to be with them and despite them living so far from me, I feel like communication between us has become inevitably stronger. I tried too many times to keep some things away from my mum in particular, but that motherly instinct is so powerful. Sometimes she knew when something was wrong before I did. The longer I hid thing's from her, the more times she'd message or call me asking me if I really was 'okay'.

For me learning to use the support around me was the biggest thing to take from 2019. I was so used to going through things on my own. Completely disregarding the fact that I could ask for help, and seek guidance where necessary. I had been so into independency that when I was really struggling with my personal problems, I had filtered them so much that it eventually became too much.

My privacy was key, especially when I was going through my breakup. I just knew that I didn't need too many people getting into my business. Which in turn would have made the situation so much worse.

I really am thankful for the support from my family and friends, who respected my privacy and decision's during the process. Relationships and building on yourself is no easy thing. Take your time with it and never rush the process. What's meant for you will be. Until then, do you.